Until you need me
by extremely romantic
Summary: Mary finds out that Matthew didn't leave her completely and that he will "stay" with her until she needs him. Because she still needs him (and so do we). A journey through canon S4 from this point of view. Warning: you'll need your handkerchief probably.
1. Just the start of a different life

A/N: again… English is not my language, so I do apologize for any grammar mistake you could find in my FF. Reviews are welcome.

This first chapter starts after Mary had her good cry in Mr Carson's arms and before the tenants' luncheon (S4 E01).

Have you got your handkerchief?

**Chapter 1 – Just the start of a different life**

She came back in her room and found Anna, who was waiting for her. Mary's eyes were red and she still looked shaken.

"I'm sorry Anna. It's very late." Her voice was a little trembling.

"Don't worry about that. Are you all right, milady?" The maid asked gently.

"Yes, yes I think I am."

Anna helped Mary to change for the night and none of them said a word.

"Is it all, milady?" Anna asked after she braided Mary's hair.

"Yes, Anna. Thank you."

"Goodnight, then."

"Goodnight, Anna." Mary answered with a forced smile, gazing at the mirror of her dressing table in front of her.

The maid quickly went out the room and closed the door behind her.

Mary took a deep breath. Then she stood up slowly and turned towards her bed: that always was the most difficult hour of her day. Even now. Even after the good cry she had. She could say she was feeling a little more relaxed, but it was not enough to allow her to sleep.

She took the book from her little round table and sat on her armchair near the window, as usual. How many times she has already read it, she couldn't say, but that wasn't just a book. It was that book Matthew read to her in Scotland. She opened it and started to read. She could still hear her husband's voice in her ears.

But sleep didn't want to come so easily and after a while, she decided to stretch her legs. So she went out in the hallway and then she stepped down the stairs.

The house was silent and no one was around.

When she arrived downstairs, she stopped. She could see a man standing in the dim light of the great hall. He was turned towards the entrance door, his back to her. She took a few steps towards him wondering who he might be, so late at night, holding her breath. The light became a little more intense as she entered the hall and she could see that man better: his height, his posture, his hair… She knew him. He was her love, her husband, the father of her son, he was…

"Matthew!" She cried.

He turned towards her and opened his arms. He was wearing a dinner suit with white tie and looked as handsome as usual, as she saw him the last time. A wide smile appeared on his face while Mary was running to reach him. He held her in his arms and they embraced each other tenderly.

"Oh Matthew… Matthew …" She repeated as she kissed him all over his face.

"Mary…" He started when she stopped a little. "I'm so sorry Mary. I didn't want to leave you."

"I know that."

"Could you ever forgive me?"

"I'm not angry with you. To be honest, at first I was, but now… Now I'm just angry with the destiny that separated us too soon. We waited so long to be together and we spent so little time married."

"But it was a marvellous time, wasn't it?"

"Yes, it was indeed." She replayed sadly.

"One day you will understand it just had to happen."

"But why to you…? Why to us?"

"I do not know." He murmured softly.

Then he hugged her again and silent came between them.

"Take me away with you." Mary implored him after a while.

"Oh my darling, I cannot. You have to stay here: our son needs you, your family needs you, my mother needs you, Downton needs you."

She sighed deeply and then she asked again:

"Was it painful?"

"What? Dying?" Matthew asked back with a smile, touched by her concern.

Mary nodded; a serious look was in her dark eyes.

"No my darling, because I was thinking of you. You've been my last thought."

"Once you told me we were cursed. I didn't believe it then, but I do now," she continued after a while. "This is our punishment, my punishment."

"Oh Mary, it's not a punishment, believe me. You are strong, you know, I've already told you once."

Mary sighed. "Carson told me that too."

"I'm not surprised. He's very fond of you and he's right."

"He told me he was fond of you too."

Matthew smiled. "Now I'm surprised."

"Anyway, I'm not a storm-braver anymore." Mary replayed with another sad smile. "I was strong because you were here with me."

"No, you are strong and you will always be, with or without me, I'm sure."

He put his forehead against hers for some moments, and then he held her face in his hands and gave her a kiss on her brow.

"Why did you come back right now?" She asked him after she rested her head against his shoulder and leaned her right hand on his chest.

He put his arms around her waist again. "You have to move on, Mary. Cousin Violet, Tom, Anna, Carson … They're right, but maybe you needed to hear that from your husband's voice. Your life is not over. It's just… It's just the start of a different life." He said kissing her head.

"Funny. I told the same thing about yours a few years ago."

He smiled, "Besides… I don't like seeing you in black all day long. Mourning doesn't suit to you…" He teased her.

She lifted her head to look him in his eyes and Matthew giggled softly. Now she couldn't restrain a smile and this time it wasn't a sad one.

"What?" She asked raising her brows.

"Come on, you know I'm right."

"About black?" She asked again.

"About it all." He pointed seriously this time. "Don't be afraid of living. Live for me too. Live for our George. He deserves to know my true Mary, that Mary his father loves so much."

Matthew kissed her tenderly again.

"I'm not that Mary anymore… Your Mary has gone when you left. Or… As I said to granny, she was just in your imagination."

"No. She's still here. I'm sure. She wasn't just in my imagination."

"How can you be so sure?" She asked with a mix of sarcasm and sadness.

"I know you Lady Mary Crawley. I know you better that anyone else. Am I wrong?"

She shook her head and smiled at him.

"I miss you Matthew, I miss you so much! I miss you every single minute of every single day..." Her voice was almost a whisper and then tears started to stream down her face.

"And what about nights?" he asked trying to amuse her, "Because I miss you more at night," he chuckled.

"Oh Matthew… This is not a proper thing to say."

He smiled but went on: "But you miss me at night, don't you?"

"Of course I do!" She couldn't restrain another smile and then he kissed her again, but tears didn't want to stop.

"Cry, if you need to, Mary. Cry like our George does and then you'll feel better." He took his white handkerchief from his pocket and wiped her eyes gently, but then she took it from his hand and kept on by herself.

"Carson told me that too." She nodded.

"Hmm… Should I be jealous?" He giggled.

"Oh Matthew…" She could only say before he pressed his lips on hers.

"He's got your eyes." Mary said when her tears stopped a little.

"Who? Carson? I'm not so sure…" He teased her again.

"Oh please be serious, I mean you son."

"I know. And I'm sure he will be brave and strong like his mother is."

Then Matthew held her tighter, his right cheek on her left one, and whispered with his sweetest voice:

"One day we will be together again, I promise you. Until that day comes, you will never be alone, I will always be with you, I will always be on your side. I will always watch over you and our son. You don't have to worry, you know, I will be with you every day of your life…"

"… Just in a different way." She finished his line.

"Exactly", whispered Matthew, "Promise me you will try to look ahead and move on, you have to, Mary."

Mary nodded silently and then she kissed him again, her hands among his hair.

"I must go."

"No… Oh please, don't go away, stay here with me tonight, just tonight. Come upstairs, our bedroom is so empty without you; our bed is so cold…"

"My time is over, I must go now." Matthew said in a gentle way and then he gave her the sweetest and most passionate kiss he has ever given to her.

"Will I ever see you again?" She finally asked.

He smiled. "I'll be in your dreams, my darling, until you need me", he murmured, "I love you, Mary, remember this."

Mary felt her eyes full of tears again.

"No... Matthew, please don't go, not yet..." She could only whisper, petrified, while he was walking away to disappear in the dark. Tears started to fall from her eyes once again.

The house was quiet. No noises were breaking the silent except her groans.

Then a thud woke her up and she found herself in her bedroom, still on her armchair.

"Just a dream," she thought, "just a cruel joke of my mind."

But it seemed to be so true. She could still feel his lips on hers, his voice in her hears, his arms around her, his hands on her cheeks.

She stood up, wore her dressing gown and went downstairs. She knew it was silly. She knew Matthew wouldn't have been down in the hall, but she needed to see with her own eyes he wasn't there.

Still, the house was empty, silent and dark, except for a faint light from the library. It was late, too late to find someone in there, too late even for her father. And it was early, too early for the servants too.

Suddenly one thought came to her mind and she began to run towards the door of the room. When she reached it, what she saw stopped her.

The fire was on and there was someone who was sitting near the fireplace, but she could just see a head leaning against the red sofa. Her heart skipped a beat. She knew, he couldn't be him, but...

"Matth..." She just murmured when she arrived near the sofa.

The man stood up and turned towards her.

"Mary… You've made me jump!"

"Tom… What… What are you doing here?" She asked trying to recompose herself as faster as she could.

"I… I couldn't sleep, so I went downstairs, the fire wasn't completely off and… Are you all right?"

"Yes… No… I'm not, but you don't have to worry about me. Would you mind if I sit for a moment?"

Tom shook his head and Mary sat near the fireplace.

After a few moments, Tom, who was still standing, broke the silent:

"I know that whiskey is not a proper drink for a lady, but… You seem upset and maybe it could calm you down."

"I'm not upset." Mary said in a rude way, gazing the fire. "I just… Couldn't sleep too… But maybe you are right, maybe I could try to drink something, maybe it will help me." She added in a gentler way.

Tom took a glass and filled it with the amber liquor.

"Thank you." She answered when he gave her the glass. "You won't tell papa about it, will you? He wouldn't approve."

Tom smiled and shook his head again. Then he sat near her with another glass in his hand.

The room was silent again except for the crackling fire.

"I know how you're felling Mary. It was the same for me."

Mary didn't say anything and sipped her whiskey.

"Have you ever… Ever…", she started, "Oh God, It doesn't matter."

"I miss him too. Very much."

"I know." She replayed.

"May I speak out?"

Mary nodded.

"You have to move on… I mean… Your life is not over even if you think it is." Tom sipped his whiskey.

"How did you…" Mary began again, but Tom wasn't listening to her and he went on:

"Time will pass and you will be able to accept what happened. Grief will never disappear completely, but you don't have to feel guilty, you won't betray him. I tell you this because I felt the same…"

Mary smiled. "Thank you, Tom." She said, then she put her glass on the coffee table and stood up. "I think it's time for me to try to have some sleep now. Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

She was walking out when Tom called her back: "Mary."

"Yes?"

"He will always be with you, as Sybil will always be with me."

Mary nodded and smiled.

When she was back in her room, she reached the window and looked outside for a moment, then she instinctively put her hand into a pocket of her dressing gown and found his white handkerchief.

"Oh Matthew…" She whispered and then she finally went to bed. She turned to the empty side on her left and closed her eyes. "…I still need you." She whispered again and for the first time since Duneagle, Mary had a real good night.

A/N: I promise no tears in the next chapter.


	2. Things are settled

A/N: set after they finds out Matthew's letter is a valid will.

**Chapter 2 – Things are settled**

Dinner seemed to be endless that evening. Lord Grantham had a very long speech about duties they had to pay now they know Matthew's letter was a valid will.

"It won't be easy for you Mary, you have lots of things to learn and we have lots of decisions to take, don't we Tom? ..."

Tom nodded and said nothing, but glanced at his sister in law with a gentle look.

"…Tomorrow morning we have to discuss some urgent issues, we've waited enough."

"May I ask what exactly, papa?" Mary tried to ask him.

"This is not the proper place to discuss them. I don't want to bore your mama and you grandmama with technical details."

"You've already done, my dear." Lady Grantham whispered to her husband with a smile and so he diverted his attention on Mrs Patmore's cheese soufflé to change subject.

"Tomorrow I'll explain you all." Tom said to Mary while her father was saying to a surprised Mr Carson to congratulate with their cook for the wonderful meal.

"Don't have to worry too much, my dear," her grandmother added, "I'm sure you can't manage things worse than your father."

Luckily, Lord Grantham didn't hear his mother's remark.

It was a relief for Mary when she finally could wish goodnight to everyone and go upstairs.

She felt so tired that she only wanted to close her eyes and have a good sleep.

She was just going into bed, when the door opened and her husband came in, wearing his blue pyjama.

"Matthew… You're back!"

"I am, my darling." He reached the bed, sat near Mary and kissed her. "I'm a man of honour, you know."

"I know you are." She smiled tenderly and this time she kissed him.

"So… You've found my letter…" He started when she removed her lips from his.

"Yes… Papa's read it first, then granny's read it and then they've finally thought I should have read it too."

"It's been my fault. I should have done things properly, as you like…" he said looking down, "But I didn't think you would ever read it…" He added raising his eyes to her.

"I know, my love", she sighed, "At least things are settled now."

"But your father is not very pleased…"

"Pleased or not pleased, that's what you wanted and he will have to listen to me from now on."

Matthew giggled, then they embraced each other and stayed without saying anything for a while.

"They sent your lucky charm too." He said gazing at her dressing table.

"It's odd to see it back here."

"It's yours after all… And I don't need it anymore."

Mary sighed deeply again and held him tighter.

"Don't worry my darling," he continued, "It works very well… It saved my life once…"

"Only once…" She murmured.

"It happened, we can't do anything now."

"Oh Matthew… I'm trying to move on as I promised you… But it's so difficult…"

"Don't be so hard on yourself. You just need more time, believe me."

"You're always so sure…" she said with her sarcastic tone.

"And you're always so tough…" He replayed raising his brows.

Mary rolled her eyes.

"Hmmm… My Mary is back", he chuckled, "Have you seen? I was sure she and I was right."

"I won't argue with you."

"Why not?", he teased her, "You like arguing and thinking people are wrong…"

"I don't want to waste our time together, it's so precious." She said seriously.

"So… Let's not waste our time…" He smiled at her and kissed her again.

"Tom's showed you the estate and all the tenants' lands." He told Mary after a few moments of silent, while he was playing with her hair.

"I have so many things to learn."

"He will teach you what he knows. He's a good chap."

"I must say he's taking his role of agent very seriously..."

"… And I must say cousin Violet had a really good idea."

"Do you think someone has inspired her?"

"Maybe…" He smiled.

"Please, don't tell me you've been in her dreams too..."

Matthew couldn't restrain a giggle. "No, I haven't. She wouldn't approve for sure… Although I've always thought she's more modern than she thinks she is."

"The words 'modern' doesn't suit to granny, believe me, and there's no need to argue about it…"

"But she was right. She's very pragmatical… As you are... You've always been very practical… That's the real reason why I've chosen you to run the estate. " He teased her again.

"Yes, I think I am… And I'll do something very practical right now…" She gently pushed him against the bed's headboard and gave him a very passionate kiss.

"I don't want to be a sport spoiler, but… Do you know that, almost certainly, you won't remind anything of this tomorrow morning?" Matthew said, surprised by her move.

"I don't care. I just want to kiss you." And she kissed him again and with more passion than the first time.

"Honestly, I don't care either." He replayed when he could breathe again.

They both smiled and kept kissing for a while, then Matthew stopped and said, caressing Mary's face, "You're looking tired, darling."

"Did I kiss you so badly?"

"No…" he smiled and shook his head, "…But you have to rest now. Tomorrow will be a long day for you, believe me, I know how stubborn your father can be."

"I can be more stubborn than him."

"I do believe you my love, you're his daughter after all…"

"I'll do it for you."

Matthew smiled. "Tom is on your side, he'll help you."

"And granny will support me too. This evening she also told me I can't manage things worse than papa…"

"Hmm… Very cheering!"

They both laughed.

"I'm on your side too," he murmured sweetly, "I always will."

"I know."

And then he added "Now it's really time for you to sleep and it's time for me to go."

"Can't you stay all night long?"

Matthew shook his head.

Mary sighed, then she slipped under the blanket and placed her head on the soft pillows.

Matthew bended over her and whispered "Goodnight, my love." Then he gave her a soft goodnight kiss on her brow, "And good luck."

"Good night, Matthew." Mary closed her eyes and fell asleep.

When she woke up the next morning she didn't know why she was smiling.

"Good morning, milady." Anna said entering her bedroom and going to the windows to open the heavy curtains.

"Good morning, Anna." She said sitting up.

"Have you slept well, milady?"

"Yes, I think I have… I woke up with a strange feeling inside…"

"What kind of feeling?" The maid asked her noticing an unexpected happy expression on Mary's face.

"A nice feeling, a very nice feeling indeed… I can't describe it, really."

"You've dreamt something nice, probably." The maid ventured, putting the breakfast tray in front of her.

"Yes, maybe I have. But I can't remember anything." She looked on her left and noticed that sheets and blankets were a little wrinkled.

"Mr Carson said his Lordship will wait for you in the library after breakfast."

Mary sighed deeply. "Very well." She answered and suddenly her eyes looked for her lucky charm on her dressing table.


	3. Always on my mind

A/N: This chapter starts after Lord Gillingham's marriage proposal.

Hope you enjoy it and thanks for reading.

**Chapter 3 – Always on my mind**

Laid on her bed, waiting for the sleep to come, Mary was thinking about what happened the last two days. It was so strange, so very strange, kissing another man or better to be kissed, and to be proposed by another man, not her husband, not her love, not her Matthew…

…Matthew… How nice it would be if he were still here, if they could sit together on that bench in the garden again, like that day, many years ago. She would have read something and he would have arrived, on a sunny day like it was today…

She closed her eyes.

A fresh breeze was blowing now and Mary could see the gardeners in the distance from the bench where she was sitting.

"May I?" Her husband asked her, smiling.

"You don't need my permission." She smiled back at him, closing her book.

Matthew sat near her and she put her head on his shoulder. "You're always beautiful, my darling." He said.

"It's nice to see to you again."

"It's nice to see you and Downton back to life again."

"I have to admit, I had fun. The house filled with guests again, the concert was beautiful… Mama and papa were very pleased…"

"You all deserved a good time after… The sorrow I caused…" He sighed and Mary passed her hand among his hair.

"It's was nice to see you laughing too the evening of the concert, really nice indeed." He went on.

"I always laugh when I'm with you…" She replayed tenderly.

"I meant when we're not together…"

"In the real life…", she added sadly, "Well, I supposed Tony told me something funny that evening during dinner, I can't remember what."

"I suppose Lord Gillingham was flirting with you… Or am I allowed to call him Tony?"

Mary rolled her eyes and shook her head with a smile. "Are you jealous?"

"I can't be anymore." He tried to be cheerful, but his tone was rather sad.

"Anyway, he's just an old friend of mine."

"I've never heard about him."

"I haven't seen him for more than ten years, how could you? We used to play together when we were children. He wasn't very nice…"

He seemed not to hear her anymore and Mary noticed it.

For a while nobody spoke and then Matthew broke the silent. "He went straight to the point, didn't he?"

Mary raised her brows and sighed. "You're jealous, I knew it. You don't need to be, darling, I've refused him."

He pressed his lips. "You refused me too, the first time."

Mary sighed deeply. "I was a foolish girl… I regretted it as soon as I told you, God knows."

"Well… Apparently he fell in love with you."

"Apparently." Her tone was cold.

"And what about you? Are you in love too?"

"Oh Matthew… How could I? You're still on my mind, you're always on my mind. I love you only, no one else."

He smiled at her tenderly.

"While he was proposing me", she went on, "I could only think about you; when he kissed me, because he did and I didn't, I closed my eyes and I saw you, you were kissing me, not him; when I danced with him -I really wanted to dance with someone, I won't deny it- I could only think about all the times we danced together…"

"I mean it, Mary. I'm not jealous. You don't have to excuse yourself. I'm still here to help you moving on. And this means you can fall in love again with anyone you like, because life is for living and for loving. And yours is not over, mine is."

"I don't want to be in love with anyone else but you…"

"Once you told me you hate to be predictable…"

"I did." She said and tenderly kissed him.

"My husband is telling me to fall in love with another man. Doesn't it sound inappropriate?" She said after a few minutes.

"I'm not you husband anymore, at least not in the way you mean it." His tone was sad again, but this time he strove to smile.

"You will always be my husband." She pointed out seriously.

" … Till death us do part…, which it did. Maybe I could be only your first one."

"Please, stop it! This isn't funny!"

"I'm sorry, my darling." Matthew said kissing her on her brow.

"I'm not angry… It's just… I don't want to hear these things, not from you. I can accept them from papa, mama or granny, but not from you, really I can't."

"All right, but you have to promise me if you meet a good man who loves you as much as I love you, you will feel free to love him, to stay with him, to marry him. I'm not saying you have to do it right now… But in the future…"

"I don't want to speak about it…" She said and kissed him passionately again.

"You know, Mary, I just want to be sure you will be able to be happy again."

Mary said nothing, then she stood up. "Would you like to take a walk with me?" She changed argument.

"It would be delightful." He stood up too and offered his arm to her.

They walked for a while together, first on the grass, then on the gravel path, then on the grass again, until they reached the old temple behind the house. They both sat on the folly's steps and watched the Abbey straight ahead them, beyond the meadows.

"We used to play here when we were children." Mary said after a few silent moments.

"You and Lord Gillingham?"

"Oh please, call him Tony… Anyway yes, me, Tony, Edith, Sybil, Patrick and some other children."

"I was joking." They both smiled and then they kissed each other again.

"I envy him, you know. He could see you when you were a little girl, I couldn't."

"You wouldn't have liked me, I assure you. I was selfish, haughty, bossy, evil… I'd have been evil with one like you..."

"This isn't too hard to believe." He chuckled.

"…You don't have to envy him. You saw a better Mary, because you've changed her. There was a Mary before you, a Mary when she was with you and… There's another Mary now, a Mary who regrets to be changed by you, because she would suffer less. Your Mary was the best one, anyway, but she won't be back, I'm afraid."

"I meant it Mary, I want to see you happy again… If someone can make you happy, then... Don't let him go…You would regret it."

"I'm not ready to let someone else comes into my life."

"All right, but please, don't forgive what I said."

"I won't." She whispered sweetly.

"Don't you think it's time to come back? It's getting late, or better... You're going to wake up soon…" He told her, after he kissed her.

"Maybe you're right."

They stood up and returned to the bench. Mary sat on it again, but Matthew didn't.

"I've got to go now."

"Already?"

He smiled tenderly and nodded, then he kissed her again and said: "I love you, Mary."

"I love you too."

Matthew began to walk away, but she called him back. "Matthew."

"Yes, my darling?" He asked turning towards her.

"You kiss better than him."

The both smiled and he walked away. Mary followed him with her eyes, until he disappeared somewhere in the garden.


	4. We've been lucky

A/N: this chapter starts after Lord Grantham's birthday party. Thanks for reading.

**Chapter 4 – We've been lucky**

Mary couldn't sleep that night. Maybe for what she had seen in the kitchen, maybe for the conversation she had had with that horrible Mr. Blake at dinner, or maybe just because she had felt more lonely than ever that evening. She turned many times into bed and then finally decided to get up and check her little boy. There was a part of Matthew in him and that used to help her. When she was with him, Matthew was still with her.

She wore her dressing gown and walked out the room. Out in the hallway she saw the nanny in her nightgown, standing in the dark, her head in her hands.

Mary's heart skipped a beat.

"Nanny… What's the matter? Is there something wrong with my son?" She asked the woman, worried and anxious.

"No, milady. Master George is sleeping and he's fine… It's me, I don't fell very well."

"I see." Hearing those words, her heart started to beat slowly.

"I'll be fine, your Ladyship, it will pass…"

"Nonsense.", Mary interrupted her, "Go downstairs and take something, I'll stay here for a while and if you don't feel better, I'll wake someone else for this night". Her tone didn't allow any replays and the nanny nodded. "Thank you, milady."

The woman was right; and Mary could see with relief that her son was sleeping in his little bed.

Mary caressed his little head, then she held him in her arms gently and sat on the rocking chair. She covered the little boy with a tiny blanket and started to rock quietly.

"What a wonderful view." Matthew whispered standing at the room's threshold.

Mary smiled back at him and he went in.

"Where's the nanny?" He asked.

"She doesn't feel well. I've sent her downstairs to take something. I'm going to stay here until she comes back or I'm going to ring for someone else."

Matthew kissed Mary and caressed his son's little head too.

"So… How's my little boy?" He asked smiling at him tenderly, as he did the day little George was born.

"Very well. He's growing up; he's a really good boy."

Matthew smiled and sat on George's little bed.

"Do you want to hold him?" She asked him.

He nodded, still smiling. She posed the baby in his father's arms and sat beside them.

"Did you enjoy the evening?" Matthew asked after a while.

"It's hard to say." She answered raising her brows. "Dinner was awful. I sat near that horrible Mr Blake… I was so happy so see Evelyn again…"

"He's a nice chap. I spoke to him just ones, I think, before the war…"

"Please don't mention that evening…"

"I'm sorry."

"…He brought here that… Man… I thought he could help us to understand if we're making a good job running the estate, but apparently he doesn't care about the owners, he doesn't care if they lose all they used to own for ages… He just cares about food supplies, no matter who produces them… Oh Matthew, he's an enemy… He's not on our side…" She added angrily.

"It sounds familiar…" Matthew giggled.

"It was different."

"Was it?" He continued chuckling.

"He said I'm a sentimental who can't face the truth."

"He doesn't know you yet, my darling. Give him a chance. I'm sure he isn't so bad… Is this Mr Blake so bad, George?" He asked his son, but the little boy was sleeping deeply and peacefully in his father's arms.

Mary rolled her eyes.

"Did you enjoy the party at least?"

"I did, yes. We all had a nice time. Even granny, she wasn't very enthusiastic about jazz at the beginning, but then she danced with Evelyn and I think she had fun. She will never admit it, of course…"

"And what about mother? It's been a hard time for her too…" His voice showed a little worry.

"I think she had fun too. You know her, she likes novelties and we had a few this evening… She danced with Tom all the time."

"Poor fellow!" He said with a sad smile that looked too much like a smirk.

"She's very fond of Tom; sometimes I think he reminds her of you."

"How is she?" He sighed deeply.

"She's alone… But she's always welcome here, more than welcome. She came here before dinner the other day and helped me to feed George." Matthew smiled caressing his son's little nose and the baby boy seemed to smile in answer of that tender gesture.

"Tom and I were waiting for the nanny and the children, she came in and we started to talk… Isobel talked about your father, Tom about Sibyl and I… About you…"

Matthew smile again and put George in his mama's arms to kiss Mary sweetly.

"…All three of us have lost someone special, someone we've loved very much… But we all have wonderful memories… And we've come to the conclusion we've been very lucky, very lucky indeed."

"I've been lucky too. I've been the luckiest man ever.", and he pressed his lips on hers again. Then they both glanced at their baby boy and after a few moments of silent, Matthew sighed. "He needs a father."

"He's got one." Said Mary looking in his husband's eyes.

"I mean it, Mary. He needs someone who can be with him and help him to grow, someone who can teach him things he will be able to know, someone who can play with him and show him the world… Because… I won't be able to do all these things…"

"He's got lots of people who love him and they all will help him to grow up and to know the world."

"I know how it is, Mary. I lost my father when I was just a boy…"

"And I think Isobel did a very good job with you, my dear, even if she raised you alone." She said touching his cheek with her hand gently, but his face took suddenly a sad expression.

"I'll be only a name and a face to him, just a stranger… He won't have any memory of me; at least I've got some memories of my father…"

"Don't worry, my love, I'll tell him about you every day and he'll know you as if you were here with us. I'm sure we'll manage it, won't we George?" Mary asked her sleeping little boy in a whisper and the little one moved and open his tiny mouth for a moment as to answer 'yes' to his mother's question.

"Please Mary… Don't let me be just a name and a photograph on a shelf…" He begged her, a serious look in his eyes.

"I swear you, my darling, I swear you…" Mary nodded and smiled to her husband.

"God knows how much I wanted to father a child…"

"I know, Matthew, I know and he will know it too. I'll tell him every day how much his papa loved him." Mary kissed Matthew and added "And how much his mama and his papa were in love…"

Matthew smile at her and then at George. "I'm sure you'll do it… Forgive me."

"It's alright, you don't have to worry." She repeated sweetly and kissed him on his brow.

The down's light started to fill the room through the window's curtains and Matthew stood up.

"It's time for me to go… I let you sleep for a few hours."

Mary stood up too, baby George still in her arms.

"Have a good time with your guests, my darling, and don't be too nasty with them." Matthew said with another smile.

"I'll try, but just because you asked me…" She replayed and then they kissed each other tenderly again and again. In the end Matthew kissed his son and went out the room. A wide smile was still on his face.

Mary sat on the rocking chair and started rocking again.

When Mrs Hughes arrived, little George was awake in his mama's lap and Mary was sleeping.

"Hello." The woman whispered to the little boy. "Are you already awake? Let's let your mama sleep then…" She held the baby gently, but Mary woke up.

"I'm sorry, milady, I didn't want to wake you up."

Mary smiled at her son in the housekeeper's arms. "Is it morning already?"

"It's very early, milady. You may go back to your room and still sleep for a couple of hours. I'll stay here with the child. We will fine together, won't we?" She said sweetly to her little master.

"Thank you, Mrs Hughes… How's nanny?" Mary asked, kissing her son on his brow.

"She's resting in her room. She will be here in a few hours, you don't have to worry."

"Be a good boy with Mrs Hughes, George." She said to her son and left them.

"Of course you're a good boy…" Mrs Hughes told him, sitting on the rocking chair. "Good as your papa was…" She added and the little boy smiled at her.


	5. Moving on

_A/N: very short chapter, I'm afraid. It begins after Mary had her "dinner" with Mr Blake in the kitchens. Next time: last chapter. Thank you for reading._

**Chapter five – Moving on**

Mary was sitting at her dressing table, looking herself in the mirror and thinking about how much extra work Anna would have had the next morning to settle her hair.

"How's my country girl?" Matthew came in behind her and kissed her on her head.

Mary smiled still looking at the mirror in front of her, where their image was reflected.

"Worn out."

"I do believe so." He moved her hair away from her neck and started to kiss it gently. "You smell so good…"

Mary smiled. "I had a bath, darling. I wouldn't smell well if I didn't. That mud was the worse thing you can have on your skin…"

"So you've already had a bath…", he giggled, "Pity… I could have helped you to wash the mud away…"

He kept kissing her sweetly and added, "I would never have thought to see you like that."

"Me neither."

"But you seemed to be amused."

"It wasn't funny, believe me."

Matthew raised his brows and looked at Mary with an interrogative expression that suggested he didn't agree.

"All right… If you insist… I confess, I had a little fun… When I soiled Mr Black's face with the mud. That was the funniest moment."

"I thought it was the romantic dinner you two had."

"I can't see anything romantic in that."

He giggled softly among her hair. "Apparently our Lady Mary hasn't turned in a real country girl yet."

"And she never will." She smiled at him and he glanced back at her, gazing through the mirror.

"I would have liked to have dinner in the kitchens with you and to taste your scrambled eggs…"

"You can't be serious…"

"I am, my dear. Really. Just you and me and a bottle of red wine…"

"Down in the kitchens?" She raised her browns.

"Why not?" He smiled a bit and then he sighed. "That's why I wanted to live with you away from here… In the village or in a cottage…" He was gazing at the floor now and didn't notice the sad expression on Mary's face.

"I'm sorry, Matthew, really, I am." She said.

"You don't have to feel sorry, my dear… I'm the one to blame… It was only my fault. If that damned day I… If I could just come back in time…"

"Unfortunately we can't, my love." She turned towards him and looked at him in his pale blue eyes.

"Yes, you're right. And it's unfair to you. You're moving on and I should be glad for this, but I miss you so much, you know, so terribly much…" Matthew sat on the bed's edge, his forearms on his knees, gazing at his feet.

"Oh my love… I miss you so much too." Mary stood up, reached him, held his head between her hands and pressed her lips on his. Then she sat near him and he wrapped his right arm around her waist. She put her head on his shoulder and they both stood in silent for a while, lost in thoughts that probably were the same for both of them.

"I meant it Mary, I'm glad to see you moving on." He said smiling at her.


	6. The horizon

A/N: last chapter, set after the end of season four.

**Chapter six – The horizon**

When Matthew arrived in her room, Mary had just started to read her book. She stood up as she saw him and ran towards him.

"My darling…", she whispered, "It's been a while since you came here the last time…" She smiled at him and her lips reached his for a tender kiss.

"You're so beautiful…" With his compliment Matthew gained another kiss, longer and sweeter.

They looked into each other's eyes for a moment, both smiling, then they embraced themselves tight and for a while nobody spoke.

"Come with me, Mary." He said and took her by her hand. Mary followed his husband with curiosity, but without saying a word. They went out in the corridor, down the stairs, across the great hall and then they finally reached the main door. Matthew opened it and they stepped out. The night was silent and warm.

"Heavens… I can't remember when I ran in this way…" Mary started to say, but she stopped when she saw Matthew's sad expression. He was trying to smile, but his eyes didn't lie.

"Mary… I … I have to tell you something…", he started murmuring softly, "It's… It's time for me to go."

"You've just arrived." Her hand found his cheek and caressed it.

He closed his eyes for a moment to enjoy that sweet gesture; than he sighed deeply, "No… I mean…" Matthew began to tell, but those words were the most difficult words he has ever told her, he swallowed and took her hands in his.

"Oh no… Not yet… Please." Mary's words sounded like a prayer.

"I'm sorry my darling… I brought you here because… The most beautiful part of my life started right here, in a cold night of January…", he smiled at that memory, "…Music was coming from the inside, the snow was falling silently and you were looking wonderful in your dark red frock…"

Suddenly snow started to fall.

For a moment Mary looked up, a bit surprised, but her surprise increased when her night gown turned into that dark red dress. Matthew was smiling at her.

"It's just a dream, my love, and... I just wanted to come back in time, back to that night…Back to that moment, when you told me 'yes'… You cancelled all I've been through with that word: four years of war, my fear, my wound, my pain, my grief… When I held you in my arms I knew I was starting a new life with you, I was starting the happiest part of my entire life… You made me the happiest man on Earth."

"Matthew…" She started, she didn't know what to say actually, just something to change his mind, just something to convince him to stay, but her mouth became suddenly dry and her words died in her throat before she could say anything.

"Please, my darling, let me finish, it's not easy… It's been almost a year now, you're moving on and rebuilding your life and I'm glad for you and very… Proud of you… It's time I set you free to live it…"

"Set me free? If I can't remember a thing from my dreams why can't you come again to me? What's the wrong in that?" She asked him with trembling voice.

"It's time, Mary." He repeated again in a gentle manner.

"So, is it a farewell? Won't I ever see you again?" She asked, tears running down her cheeks.

He sighed, "Honestly, I'm not sure; I don't know exactly how it works…" He made a shy smile. "I only know it's time for me to go, maybe it won't be forever; at least I do hope it won't be… But I don't want you to expect to meet me soon, because I'm sure it won't happen very soon..."

"But… But I need you, I still need you, I'll always need you…"

He smiled tenderly at her once again. "No, Mary. You think you need me, but you don't, not anymore. And maybe it was my fault… But I couldn't bear to see you as you were in the early months after my… Departure."

Mary was staring at him, shaken by her sighs, her eyes still full of tears. He went down on his knee, as he did that night of January, held her hands in his again and squeezed them tight.

"I've loved you since the first time I saw you at Grantham House the day I arrived here… You know that, don't you? And I'll always love you… Always…"

"Oh Matthew, me too, me too…"

"I told you once, but… You're strong… And… You will never be alone, Mary, I will always be with you… Maybe you couldn't see me, talk to me, fight with me, kiss me… But, please remember this: I will always be with you."

Mary nodded, trying to smile at him, as he was doing. "I will miss you so much… I miss you so much…"

"I know… I miss you too. I miss everything about you…" He made a pause, and then went on, standing up, but always squeezing Mary's hands, "Look at the sky, Mary, when you'll miss me most…"

"The sky is so far from here…" She complained.

"Then… Look at the horizon, where the sky meets the Earth… I will stand there, for you…"

Mary nodded, but tears didn't want to stop.

He put his hand in his jacket's pocket and took his white handkerchief. She couldn't help but smile at him now. He giggled a little and started to wipe her eyes and her cheeks. Then he embraced her and she put her head on his shoulder, her body still shaking. Matthew caressed her back and her forehead gently to calm her down.

"I will never love someone else as I've loved you." She whispered raising her head and looking at him after a while. He was smiling tenderly once again.

"I love you Mary." He said and then he kissed her in the sweetest and passionate way he could. Snow was still falling down, like that night of January.

Later that morning, Mary was in the library with Lord Grantham.

She was looking out the window. She couldn't say how long she was standing there staring out. She wasn't looking at something in particular.

"Mary, darling, is it all right? What's so interesting out there?" asked Lord Grantham, raising his eyes from the newspaper he was reading, after a while, with a sigh.

She didn't understand her father's words; she only heard that someone had spoken.

"Mh?" She murmured still staring out.

Lord Grantham raised his brows, a curious expression on his face, "I was just wondering what can be so interesting out there."

"The horizon, where the sky meets the Earth." Words came out from her mouth automatically.

It was true. She was looking at the horizon, but she didn't know why.

She just knew she was thinking of Matthew.

A/N: Thanks for reading. Hope you enjoyed it. I'm not completely satisfied about this chapter, I wrote it and wrote it many times, but I couldn't find the right way to end it. Hope their kiss could be a nice end. Please fell free to review and tell me if you liked it or not.


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